Learning how to Fall

I love practicing my turns – love it! I also have way too much energy, but too much energy while turning creates imbalance and you fall. I fell so much, people were so afraid that I would break my arm or hit my head, but I was so good at it! I never tried to stop the fall or brace for it- I EMBRACED falling to the ground.

You can never learn how to get up if you don’t fall first.

This morning I leapt out of bed at 7 am and never pressed snooze! I walked my dog and came home to the sensational smell of fresh coffee that I had preset the night before. I poured myself a cup and journaled- mostly practicing gratitude. 30 min meditation- check. I did an hour and a half workout, showered, and finished my current book. Afterwards I sat at the piano and learned a new song. For lunch- super green healthy salad and 3 cups of water. I listened to my favorite podcast and cleaned the apartment. My 2 dance classes started at 4 and then I prepared my goddess bowl for dinner. Rinse. Repeat!

I only wish my schedule looked this productive and consistent! I had good and bad days and I’m not afraid to admit that. I dare to go beyond and own my sticky story but I promise there is a happy ending!

In March, I fell hard. I lost my survival job and auditions shut down. I initially thought “this isn’t ideal but I could use a week or two of rest.” Well, I got just that, COVID hit me early on and the unknown was really scary. I had just made vegan cinnamon rolls from scratch but I lost all taste and smell for almost a month- a pickle might as well have been a chocolate bar! I was frightened, “would people be afraid of me?” Was I going to “get better?” I really wanted normal life back- so I healed and I got back up.

I was invigorated to make the MOST of it. I started looking into who was teaching classes. I was working out everyday, looking at new music to learn, baking a lot of bread, making to-do lists, etc. But I was quickly overwhelmed. I, like many artists I know, am a perfectionist. I give 110% and I started to realize I wanted to get so much accomplished but I wasn’t able to focus on anything well enough. I also noticed that being alone all day was really taking a toll on me.

By summertime, I was spiraling. I didn’t want to admit that to myself but I was losing it. Having super-active and successful days felt the exact same way as laying in bed all day binge watching New Girl for the 6th time. 2020 had knocked me down so badly that I just laid there not even trying to get up. I even got a survival job, but there was still a void inside me.

I couldn’t process how to move forward because I have a hard time with contentment and don’t even touch me with the 10 foot pole that is complacency. The constant high expectations I had for myself were driving me crazy and going to bed feeling like I wasn’t “doing” enough only set me up to fall again the next day. I fell into the horrible habit of seeing social media and instantly criticizing myself, “you’re not doing enough.” I wasn’t actively aware of the negative self talk and I was creating a fall all on my own.

Upon reflection, the community that always seemed to shock my heart back to life has been the Salgado Productions team. I look back at my darkest moments, and this community was always there! When I had COVID, 2020 BWS (Beyond Workshop Series) had begun and for the first time since March I didn’t feel like we were in a pandemic.

2 months later..DING DONG! RL’s Summer Camp! I got to see young people connect and learn and I started feeling like myself again. “See Sarah, it’s possible to get up.” These kids showed up bringing joy and love through a ZOOM call!

After camp ended and the aching, scared, judgmental monster was creeping back…BOOM– Dance-A-Thon. Another opportunity of community and all the hands were on deck! This community was not only picking me up but they made me stand up stronger.

2020 was full of epic falls but man did I prove to be resilient. I found that community is everything. I feel purpose within a crowd and when creating art is on the table- I am alive and so strong. I am my very best self in a group of dreamers. I learned that I can’t create art if I don’t feel purpose. It took me a long time to feel purpose and not because it wasn’t there but because I didn’t believe it myself. This mindset is a choice every single day and it takes a lot of hard work but I love to work!

Thank you 2020, for knocking me down and really making me work to stand up! Things are still not “normal” but I have my Sunday workout crew, I have my SP family, and I have new and old friends checking in- these people give me purpose. I give myself permission to fall, to learn, try, and grow. I learned to be kind to myself and listen more. I will forever embrace human interaction with the utmost gratitude and I promise to always get back up.

P.S. I made those vegan cinnamon rolls again and enjoyed every single bite!

Sarah Lindsey.

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